Conflict. It’s one of those all-so-human characteristics of our all-so-human workplaces. It’s unavoidable. It never goes out of style. So, when I was invited to present in HRCI’s Alchemizing HR webinar series, I jumped at the opportunity to share what I have learned about conflict with this wonderful community. I’m more than happy to share some key takeaways here.  

Understanding the Perception of Incompatibility in Conflict 

For starters, let’s get on the same page with a common definition: conflict is the condition under which people’s concerns appear to be incompatible. I stress the word appear because it suggests a kind of mild uncertainty. It may appear that two sides disagree, but quite often upon closer inspection and the application of a few key ingredients—curiosity, listening, and emotional intelligence, for example—all parties may be closer to mending fences than originally thought possible.  

This is where the work lies. And let’s face it, the work is hard. Getting better at how we show up in difficult conversations and trying to meet others halfway takes a little something extra that can be downright exhausting. Still, hard and impossible are not the same. With a little patience, pause, and persistence, our efforts can yield incredibly positive results. And if we throw in a dash of leadership development and manager training for added measure, the results can be astounding. 

Root Causes and Impact of Workplace Conflict 

But before we talk about practice and getting better at engaging in healthy conflict, let’s identify some of the causal factors and their impact in the workplace. Causal factors include:  

• Personality clashes and warring egos
• Heavy workloads and limited resources
• Lack of honesty, trust, and transparency
• Lack of clarity, support, and accountability 

• Misalignment of values 

These are just to name a few. And their impact? Frustrated and discontented people. Unhappy and annoyed people. Timid and scared people. Checked-out and numb people. It’s all just bad, bad, and worse.  

How Conflict Influences Workplace Culture 

And why does this matter? Because it’s a morale-killer. It spreads like wildfire and destroys a workplace culture at every turn. People don’t feel safe, trust vanishes, innovation spirals, productivity plummets, and people leave.  

It doesn’t just hurt the bottom line, either. It hurts the soul. Yep, that’s right, the soul. Whenever people are afraid or angry or annoyed about coming to work because they know they’re walking into tension, it’s not just a money issue. It’s a people issue. It’s a health and well-being issue. There is a collective pain that begins to grow within each individual and the larger community. The entire workplace culture grows toxic.  

As leaders, it’s our responsibility to do something well before our communities reach this level of dysfunction. 

Introducing a Practical Conflict Resolution Model 

So, what do we do? How exactly do we get better at conflict? Well, it’s important that people have something tangible to sink their hands into. Something not overly conceptual and strategic, but tactical and actionable. Something like…a model. 

I know, I know. There are a multitude of models out there for handling conflict, but I’m only writing about one today. It’s one that my firm, Dion Leadership, has used many a time across all levels of leadership and a myriad of industries to tremendous success. It’s battle tested. It’s manageable. It works. 

The model is comprised of four steps: 

1. Analyze your situation. Ask yourself what’s going on. Like, what’s really going on. Also, identify who’s involved and the objective facts of the matter outside of opinion and emotion. Gauge how much your behavior is being driven by judgment and reaction rather than grace and reason. 

2. Do a reality check. Examine your thoughts. Particularly, which of them are true and those that aren’t. Don’t just think about how they’re impacting you, either. Feel them. Identify the kinds of outcomes they’re driving in your mind and body as well as your decision-making and behavior. This part is really important because here’s the scoop: if the thought isn’t true, makes you feel terrible, and produces an undesirable outcome, you get to switch your thought. Reframe to a thought that is honest, productive, and feels a whole lot more aligned not just with your values, but also your “feels,” or the way your limbic system reacts to it. Feel your body accept it and the ease or calmness that slowly (or sometimes quickly) follows.  

   And one more thing, check in with your emotions and give yourself time to process them. Even a little emotional intelligence can go a long way. Allow yourself time to take pause and give yourself some grace. Respond with intention to the situation rather than reacting impulsively. This matters. 

3. Build trust through dialogue. Champion curiosity and active listening. Invite the other party’s perspective and do your best to acknowledge it (and remember that acknowledgment and acceptance are not the same). Doing so creates an opportunity for the other person to feel seen and heard, and this can work wonders for meeting each other halfway. Also, avoid rigidity. You can be focused on your point of view but also flexible enough to stay curious and show some empathy.  

   Keep in mind, this is a sweet science. There’s a balance. You never want to lean into any of these essential ingredients so much that you’re no longer advocating for yourself or honoring your values. At that point, you’re no longer compromising—you’re submitting. 

4. Move forward together. Agree with the other party as to how you’ll proceed together. I stress the word together. We’re talking about mutual buy-in. Call out barriers and blind spots in the relationship, but don’t stop there. Identify strategies and tactics for overcoming them and be specific. Get granular about changing mindsets and behaviors. Document agreements and decisions if necessary. Follow up with each other and revisit items as much as needed. Own your half to keep the conversation open, healthy, and productive. And remember, all you can do in any relationship is own your half.   

Practicing the Model Consistently is Key 

That’s it folks. That’s the model. And as easy as it may read on the screen, I can tell you from years of experience that the kicker does not lie in understanding the model—it lies in practicing the model—and practicing it consistently. So, when the going gets a little rough and you feel like you’re at wit’s end trying to apply it to a difficult situation, allow these reminders to help: 

• Conflict is likely inevitable. It is also sometimes necessary and can be healthy when engaged in a productive way. 
• In your work relationships, you are 100% responsible for 50% of each relationship. You have agency, so use it to be intentional about your mindsets and behaviors. Make sure they align with your values, what you know is true, and the desirable outcome you seek. Own your half and your half alone. This is the part you control. 
• Do your best to take the time you need to respond rather than react. A 90-second pause, splash of cold water on your face, or walk around the block can go a long way in helping you reset and act with intention. 
• Acknowledgement and acceptance are not the same. You can acknowledge without agreeing and still create space for others to feel seen and heard.
• Genuine curiosity can be a powerful antidote to unhealthy conflict. 

Remember, communication and conflict management are skills like any other. They take intentional practice and repetition for us to grow our abilities. And like so many other skills, leadership development and training can serve as important catalysts in our learning.  

If you would like to learn more about conflict management, please take a look at our most recent eBook “Conquering Conflict: 4 Steps for Engaging in Healthy Conflict" or reach out to me at joe.laduke@dionleadership.com.